I am trying to figure out the rest of my life. I can not do what I have done. As I have written my greatest joy (and often my greatest frustration) was supporting my husband in his ministry. What is particularly strange right now is how people speak to me about those 14 years. It’s almost as if they believe I married my husband in spite of his calling. People say that now I can go on to do something else, that I am not tied to such a religious life. Even more bizarre, they say I can date and sleep with whomever I wish.
I am who I am. Maybe my personality is uniquely stubborn but I was who I was when I was married too. In spite of my whining, my ego and worldly desires there is nothing more important than serving God. Just like in spite of my tears, sorrow, grief and how much I miss my husband I am sure of God’s promise of eternal life through Christ. The only thing that changed in my life from being single to married to single again is that I gained and then lost the one person to whom I spoke the most honestly and who knew me the best. (More practically, my finances changed too but I can handle that.)
I married my husband because I loved him and that included his passion for teaching God’s Word. I loved listening to him. The discussions sparked ideas and artistic desires. I wanted to love him and help him with my few talents. I didn’t do it perfectly but that was my desire. Although my vows have been fulfilled and in the eyes of the law I am no longer married to a pastor I am still who I am. Remove my husband from a church and he would still teach God’s Word. Remove me from him and everything important to me will still be there. I just need time to figure out what the next step is.
It bothered me for about a few weeks when people would say these things. Then, I thought about it. We rarely see people as they are. Rather we see them through the lens of our own ideals. Additionally, people want to speak words of comfort even when they don’t know what to say. In their own way, these people were trying to create some desire for this new (and honestly terrifying) part of life. So, it comes out “here is what I wish for you to be excited about because it is what I would want.”
If I could have any life that I could right now it would be similar to what I had. If I could do anything I would have a place where pastors and workers in the Church who have gone through rough times could come without fear of judgement. It wouldn’t focus on the psychological issues but the spiritual exhaustion. It would be served by other pastors in the area who would encourage and help these men. It would be a place that would focus on Word, Sacrament and prayer. It would have Bible studies. It would give a chance in a quiet and contemplative manner for these men to remember why they loved teaching God’s Word and serving God’s people. A chance for them to ease bitterness, anger and hear and remember that God does love them too. It would also have a good garden so I could distill flower essences. It would also have a couple of fiber bearing goats. I don’t know. I just want goats. This thought has burned in my heart for years. I still just don’t know how to go about it.
I am no different in substance. I am only different in circumstance. I am who I am. I am a Christian.